she's fickle

aren't mommies supposed to understand their daughters best? aren't they supposed to be the sweetest person u can go crying to? what happened to that mama who used to understand me and cared abt what i wanted?
ok, maybe i nv even experienced it before..
but i yearn and long for my mummy to be a best friend.. or at least the person who would at least understand what i want and put herself in my shoes since she has been through what i'm going through.. (supposedly)
sometimes she's like this and sometimes she's like that.. fickle.. i can nv grasp what can make her happy.. or am i just trying too hard..

or is it me who is changing..? urgh~

...

i feel funny today.. i went to beanie because i didn't wanna be alone at home.. i wanted to talk to someone.. just TALK.. period.. lol..

somehow i had a lot of negative thoughts today.. maybe it's because i've not been feeling well of late.. i dunno.. just had this sudden urge to let it all out..

sixth sense tells me something seems to be wrong.. or something seems to have changed.. i feel insecure.. sighs..

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(edited at 12.30am)

randomly read some entries from my old blog.. i used to be really really stressed up, unhappy, demanding and complicated.. it's funny that even reading it now stirs up many emotions and some tears.. i pitied the old me.. i'm just glad with being where i am now.. haha.. rather contradicting with the first part of my blog entry..

but if u ask me what do i want out of things now.. i would tell u i dunno.. but not knowing is bliss.. living without a direction means no expectations.. and without expectations there are no disappointments.. no?

i used to want so much, to want to possess so much.. even so, wanting something became an obssession to possess it.. possessing something became meaningless because afterall everything i used to have was material.. and possessing something i wanted was not my kind of happiness.. why did i take so long to wake up?

anyway, i think it's best to take things at a step now.. i shall stop picturing myself being in the rat race and fighting to have a glorious career.. climbing up that sickening corporate ladder.. it does not mean i've given up on my life.. neither does it mean i will no longer seek the direction i shld take.. it simply means i'm taking a step back for the moment..

coffie beanie

felt a sense of loss today at coffee bean.. hmm.. the usual people weren't there today! glo wasn't there.. quin wasn't there.. not even the usual strangers were there!!! argh~
i dun wanna list down what i suffered from today.. haha.. ranges from headache, sore eye, cramps and backaches to emotional emptiness.. and there, i just did it - listed them down.. wahahahahaha!

*missed you you you alot today..

alrites.. shall train myself to be more independent emotionally.. in fact, i am now.. maybe not totally.. but like so much better than i was before.. must be more womanly.. i must learn to grow up and manage my own emotions.. emotional intelligence rulesss!

sentosa!!!

been slacking since thursday.. ahahahaha.. this is really too much.. so i decided to get down to some studying.. hindered by PMS sleepiness.. argh.. and i'm already feeling sleepy and lethargic now again..

hmm.. since i didnt receive any news from joe abt the meetup.. i joined the bf and his khakis on a sentosa outing.. been quite some time since i'd been there.. and yup, enjoyed myself! hehehe.. the guys were damn farnie and fun to play with.. plus chillin' at cafe del mar.. ok la, i sua gu.. first time there.. lol..
but i felt bad for tagging along and making him spend money.. i dunno la, just felt bad.. that's why i decided not to have my pure chocolate ice blended.. and lun till today to have vanilla ice blended instead.. hee.. pretty silly rite.. *^_^*

shall upload the pics when i get them.. didn't really take alot of photos.. and if i dun feel nua.. hehehe.. =)

wheeeee!

actually.. i'm stressed.. but i ain't stressed either.. my darling's doing a good job in keeping me calm! hahaha..
i dun remember feeling so chirpy and so lively before or during exams.. but i am now.. it's so funny.. but then again.. makes it seem like i dun give a damn abt exams.. baaaa.. this is getting on my nerves..
anyway.. bottom line is.. i happy can liao.. wahahahahaha!

(*this is what i mean by exam stress.. illogical & random thoughts..)

exam power!

ppl who know me well enough shld know that i'm not a person who gives up easily.. although i'm not far away from my much dreaded exams.. i shall persevere!!!
we've been through exams ever since pri 1.. that makes it 16years.. i dun see why i won't make it this time round.. *grits my teeth*
fucking exam ghost.. i won't let u get me down!!! hahahahahahaha!!!

chiong chiong chiong! guys, we can do it!

mundane

life generally has been rather mundane.. revolving arnd stay home nua-ing, stagnant revision sessions, occasional revision classes and work.. the stress is there.. but i dunno what the hell i'm doing.. gonna get down to some serious mugging tonight! i hope it won't be another session of procrastinating.. argh..
but of cos, i shldn't forget the fact that a simple dish should be peppered with some spices and flavourings.. and yep, still enjoying my honeymoon.. hehe.. =))