Chapter 2 yay!

2009-09-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

i think this is it!

-to ponder-

2009-07-19T23:54:00.003+08:00

this is random.. (but to keep my perspectives on track.. shld i ever read this post again in the near future..)

i think that one of the greatest quotes from all time came from Henry Ford who said: "if you think you can, or if you think you can't, you're right." that statement says so much about life and how to make the most of it. the truth is that we all have everything we need, within us, to succeed. most people limit themselves by believing that they cannot achieve something or by simply not having the courage or imagination to dream big dreams and then go for them.

i always think big and i never get bogged down by the details of how i'm going to achieve something; i dream my big dreams, set my big goals, and then go for them. i pretend i am brilliant at everything and can do whatever needs to be done; then i sort out the details later. though this time round, things may progress a little slower for my patience to bear, i am sure i want it to bear fruits. the cambodia trip will have 2 answers: 1-this is it; 2-this isn't it (but bringing me another step further to understanding what i want and do not want).

looking forward to 14th-16th August..

workaholic symptoms

2009-05-30T14:40:00.002+08:00

been thinking too much about work lately?
i know i'm dreaming everyday.. last night i dreamt abt something bad happening to me and sean.. i cried so hard in my dreams and it was so real..
but on all other nights.. all i'm dreaming abt is work.. how i try and try and people still seem dissatisfied with what i propose.. even when i'm napping.. i dream abt work.. lol..
silly me..

work stress alas!

2009-05-24T23:19:00.002+08:00

finally, i am experiencing some work stress from this company.. this NTU project is so important to me because it shall be the milestone of my very first sort-of-big deal.. and it is something which will be recorded on my scorecard.. something to prove my 3 months of existence in the company has gone to good use..
so, tomorrow's like judgement day and it's getting me a little jittery.. at the site meeting in the morning, i shall be faced with another competitor who is also fighting for this project.. i wonder how she looks like.. keke.. but i'm quite sure it won't turn out into a cat fight.. anyhows, she is only doing her job.. while my job now is to make her step back.. and back off! *grrr*
i hope all goes well..

hard to forget

2009-05-17T20:01:00.004+08:00

i hold back my tears when i look at u.. but i feel all the hurt in there..
and i'm trying to make it all go away..
it's hard to forget the times u were so sweet to me too.. =)

a white lie with an undiscovered basis

2009-05-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

i dun see any reason for the lie that a particular someone has said to me.. which is what's making me feel uncomfortable lately.. it shows that something is wrong.. that the person can no longer share what he/she used to share.. it's weird.. i feel i'm starting to know less.. and sometimes thinking i really dun understand him/her afterall.. but i can't confront the person directly cos it might seem a little irrational and unreasonable.. keep it all in my heart.. and all this bottling up is making me.. unhappy.. u know that u lied, and u know i hate liars, be it a small or big lie.. any form of deceit is deceit..
on another note, the bf seems quite sick of me lately.. especially during the past weekend.. with a little short temperedness and less patience to my casual queries.. so i've decided to leave him where he is.. let him call me when he wants to.. reduce my number of calls and smses to him.. and at certain occasions, i really dun feel like picking up his calls nor replying his sms..
because i feel like a burden...

小酒窝

2009-04-06T22:42:00.006+08:00

i feel so strongly for this song.. the feelings are so strong i am unable to put it in words.. i'm just touched.. for no particular reason..

Xiao Jiu Wo - Lin Jun Jie

我还在寻找一个依靠和一个拥抱
谁替我祈祷替我烦恼
为我生气为我闹
幸福开始有预兆
缘分让我们慢慢紧靠
然后孤单被吞没了
无聊变得有话聊有变化了

小酒窝长睫毛是你最美的记号
我每天睡不着想念你的微笑
你不知道你对我多么重要
有了你生命完整的刚好

小酒窝长睫毛迷人的无可救药
我放慢了步调感觉像是喝醉了
终于找到心有灵犀的美好
一辈子暖暖的好
我永远爱你到老

the perfection within..

2009-03-25T00:11:00.003+08:00

i wish i could be more understanding, and a little more tolerant..
probably being 'blind' or 'deaf' at times might help..
stop seeking perfection, and i would be perfect.. =x

insanity & contradictions

2009-03-08T16:49:00.002+08:00

i think i'm a little crazy.. now that i've a fixed mon-fri job that allows me to knock off on time.. and i no longer have to work weekends.. i start to contemplate on the possibility of taking up a part time job so i can use up the free time on hand.. isn't it contradictory..?
probably when, and if i settle down in this job, i might really start looking out for something to occupy my time.. *boo*

L.I.V.E - L.I.F.E

2009-03-03T20:43:00.004+08:00

now that i'm approaching 24.. it kinda freaks me out whenever i think abt my age.. feels like i haven't accomplished anything my whole life other than getting my degree.. and i seriously am beginning to panic..
i'm panicking because i dun have a direction.. and i do not dare to plan for one.. the way i'm changing jobs really scares me, but my luck at getting jobs amazes me immensely.. i really really really hope i last in this one.. the thing i like abt this job is MINIMAL SUPERVISION.. and i really mean minimal, at the moment probably.. plus i get to drive arnd and see beautiful houses.. they keep me alive, and they remind me of my goals.. not that i still want to live in big houses, but i do wanna be comfortable financially apart from having a happy family.. if all doesn't go well, i'd still want a happy family..
suddenly i am enthusiastic about my future.. i'm starting to plan my finances.. and i think i shld be able to do well this year if i remain disciplined.. =)

re-cycle

2009-02-24T20:34:00.003+08:00

once again! i've gone one round in a circle.. and came back to the starting point..
i hate this.. but i know i have no choice.. i'm not fussy.. perhaps that's what makes me go round in circles.. *bleahz

Goal Achieved!

2009-02-03T00:17:00.002+08:00

although i had only one big resolution for 2008.. still proud of my own achievements.. lol.. my blog shouldn't be always depressing.. talking abt problems at work and personal life.. though i know they still exist and will not be solved overnight..
anyhows.. just saw the notice on the sim portal regarding my certificate presentation ceremony.. kinda excited abt it.. but yet, feel abit pai seh cos i only passed with merit without any honours.. so i bet i'll be like the lowest of the lowest.. and probably the last dozen to receive the certificate during the ceremony.. wondering if i should inform my parents abt it.. cos it's nothing big to rave about either.. hehehe.. oh well, *gives myself a pat on the shoulder* for being able to get my degree.. despite the roller coasters, budget and time constraints..
woo hoo!
and my resolution for 2009.. is to find my career, or to make something my career!

compromises

2009-01-21T23:19:00.003+08:00

work is sucking and draining and squeezing my time away, which gives him a good break from me finally.. and i no longer have to compromise my rest just to have a dinner and after-work companion.. well, if it makes him happy den i guess it makes me happy too.. ha, what a sadist..
this week, though it's only wednesday, has been a tough week with tough luck.. ups and downs at work.. plus forcing myself to go all out.. partially because of the expectations of my dear manager and partially because i didn't want my evenings to have vacant slots.. yes, i don't wanna go home, yet i dun wish to have someone by my side unwillingly..
though at times i really wish to have his company, especially when i'm facing fucked up situations, i know that it's quite hard for that to happen.. i've learnt to not ask, because asking and being rejected only makes me even more disappointed..
i really dunno where i've gone wrong.. but i feel so wrong.. am i doing enough to put this relationship in place? i'm really trying my best..
i'll just have to grit my teeth and endure the tough times.. and do as much as i can to make my whole life work out..

stayin' alive..

2009-01-04T14:25:00.002+08:00

what does Man need to stay alive?

air, water and food
passion for almost every other thing in the world
love for human beings
the determination to keep going on and on

then where is my direction?

bleakness

2008-12-21T02:31:00.001+08:00

u throw me off my feet..
u take my troubles away..
seeing u just makes everything seem perfect..
but i wonder,
how long will this last?
i dun wanna let go..

i'm blue.. dah ba dee dah ba dah..

2008-12-18T00:27:00.002+08:00

i didn't get my favourite colour when i bought myself an organiser today..
i didn't get the colour i thought looked nicer..
i got your favourite colour!
and i actually am surprised with myself for doing that..

new job, new look!

2008-12-16T22:45:00.002+08:00

hmmm.. life's been pretty smooth with this new job going on.. at least everyone's more supportive of it.. not that i really care.. but it just makes things easier for me.. hopefully it means i'll be more determined to stay in this job long enough.. =x
things are gonna be tough.. even tougher with the current envisioned economic downturn.. even tougher since i'm in a B-to-C environment.. *phew*

why can't i be like everyone else?

2008-12-03T13:12:00.004+08:00

put anyone else in my shoes, i guess the problems that i'm having are manageable.
but i dunno why, every word they speak is magnified in my thoughts. i try hard as i might to disregard whatever they say, but i just cannot do it. every single thing they are unhappy about with me or the things going arnd me just gives me tremendous pressure. trying to control how i think and feel is also pressure.
i get easily agitated, upset or disappointed, with short-lived mood swings. i tear over the slightest things, i cry in my dreams, i start having interrupted sleep and i lose my energy. this all feels so familiar, i dun wanna go back to how i used to be. can one never recover from being emotionally vulnerable? living like this is living hell. it is just so difficult.
i know i cannot let go of myself, if i let go, i'll ruin my life.

phase 1 part 2

2008-11-30T12:27:00.003+08:00

ok, it's time to move on.. with a new job.. sighs.. i wish to find somewhere to settle down too..
i feel so tired, so tired with trying to please them.. i dunno what else i can do to make them happy.. or at least satisfied with what i'm doing or who i'm with.. i feel so alone in this battle.. what else can i do to feel better?

steph's battlefield

2008-11-24T23:09:00.003+08:00

blogging probably helps to regulate hormones and soothe my emotions more than my herbal cream does.. ahahaha.. i always turn to blogging when i'm bugged by almost anything.. yes yes, mood swings haunt me.. pms' pretty horrible this month.. with rather bad headaches and backaches as well.. and for a longer duration.. argh.. it's tough being a woman..
i feel like i'm falling sick.. but i dunno if it's the 'heat' or pms or a flu bug.. i can't afford to fall sick now!
this week is sooo crucial for me.. i've waited 3 weeks for this week to arrive.. the first step out of my office to join my team in the battlefield.. of cos, i would still be under the wings of my 'general', but at least i dun have to stick my ass in the office all the time! i totally need lots of luck, drive, saliva, and strength.. i know i can make things happen!

spooky

2008-11-17T09:54:00.003+08:00

i remember how i used to view the bf's pictures before we got together.. at that point of time i never imagined myself to be part of the gang celebrations.. now, as i view the pictures of me tagged on facebook.. it just feels weird that i see my face in an all-so-familiar environment.. same shots, same background..
anyway, it's so cute how i got so excited last night abt him pre-arranging a dinner appt.. (as i'm typing this the radio plays 恋爱频率) it's probably a gimmick.. but i still love it!

work this week promises a hectic schedule and lots of activities.. i really hope it is.. i've been slacking too much i felt like an admin staff the whole of the 2 weeks here.. today marks the start of the 3rd week.. i wanna be on the field soon!

there they go... there they go again...

2008-11-10T22:40:00.004+08:00

yes yes yes, i'm not worth what i'm being paid for..
we should stop thinking "i'm worth more than this".. it makes life unhappy.. there i am, trying to settle down in my new job.. or at least to stick around more so i fully apprehend the entire job scope before i come to any conclusions without full understanding.. i admit, with the basic salary that i'm drawing currently, it's hard to get by, but i plan to make it better with my own efforts.. by chionging for more commission..
and there they are trying to get me this recruiter friend of theirs.. to get me a job that pays well enough to match my capabilities.. wow.. i'm not a first class graduate in a local uni leh..
so, my dear parents, do you think i should be paid $10,000 a month? how i wish they could simply stop hiaming and trying to take control of my life! my choice of bf doesn't satisfy them, now my choice of job doesn't satisfy them either!
that's just too bad.. cos it's my life..

(untitled)

2008-10-28T22:46:00.003+08:00

the past week has been hectic.. packed with gatherings and outings.. and time spent with the bf.. most significant would be the meetup of the year.. hahaha.. was good to have perfect attendance.. which includes keat wee, mei sin, imelia and daisy!
hectic were the emotions too.. ups and downs.. coupled with my mood swings due to stress? stressed because i am not making use of my time fruitfully and i don't want to.. neither am i making the effort to remove the source of this stress.. but i thank my dearest for his understanding and constant encouragement in my job hunt and family issues.. =)
have been going for interviews but the offers were always not suitable.. i definitely insist that i am not fussy.. if i were to tell u what the offers were like u'd probably tell me i'm worth more than that.. i guarantee..
the family has been making things difficult for me as well.. the picture is clearer for me now.. wad i see is my mum is pissed with my outings and returning home late.. but daddy seems to be against a particular person.. and i'm caught in between.. of course i feel miserable, but the more obstacles there are or the more problems he tries to create.. the firmer i am..

surge of events

2008-10-22T00:59:00.002+08:00

(un)happy..
cos they dun bother abt my happiness when they wanna 'chup' in to make decisions for me.. if u guys care, just please think for my happiness.. cos that's all i need..

m.e.

2008-10-18T03:43:00.001+08:00

am i so hard to please?

i have no expectations but..

2008-10-17T19:12:00.003+08:00

it's not abt what i want.. it's abt what u're willing to do..
if i have to open my mouth.. den it doesn't serve its purpose..
but then again..
since i didn't open my mouth.. i shld have no complaints.. =)

unemployment syndrome? or pre-employment stress?

2008-10-09T01:08:00.005+08:00

i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way.. but the past few days i've been questioning myself.. questioning my own capabilities.. and i wonder how i can prove myself.. it doesn't help when u send out a whole bunch of resumes only to find out that those who respond immediately are employers that people shun.. oh well, maybe i shld just depend on a recruiter and do nothing but attend scheduled interviews..

then i start to question my own state of happiness.. am i really happy or just convincing myself that i'm happy? but i really think i'm happy most of the time.. does not taking things to heart make a person happier? does closing one eye and telling myself i shldn't be too demanding about certain issues help? i keep reflecting.. and keep thinking the problem lies with me.. or i at least convince myself that i am the root of the problems i see.. but i know this is not the way out.. seems like an absence of intellectual engagement..

maybe i'm just tired.. or still unable to adapt back to this dreaded style of living.. and there're some things i wish i didn't know..

wedding bells & loving bliss

2008-10-05T05:14:00.002+08:00

finally attended the first wedding of a friend.. lol.. congrats to my ex-boss cum gossip buddy cum mahjong khaki! felt so happy for the both of them.. could really feel the love between the couple.. almost touched me to tears.. and i must say the wedding ceremony was very unique.. at least to me..

i'm so envious.. *^_^*

thinking abt my own relationship.. i think it's recently that i realised the importance of mutual respect.. and i find he slows down my pace of life.. which to me is a good thing and he plays a vital role in making my life less stressful.. he brings to me new perspectives and makes me ponder abt the antecedents of happiness.. which is actually rather simple..

i nv thought i could love so much again.. but i did..

welcome back!

2008-09-25T01:28:00.007+08:00

i hereby officially welcome myself back with honour.. haha.. i know i haven't been blogging in like eons.. i seriously don't know what's wrong.. perhaps too many things were happening in the states i wasn't able to keep track of everything and put them in the right place.. or perhaps i just seem to have lost that urge and urgency in life to do things anymore ever since i've been there.. to put it simply.. i'm more laid back now.. i guess..

so yeaps, i'm back after a very fruitful trip.. physically very fulfilling as u can see from my bloatedness.. but also, my eyes had the best feasts it has ever got in my 23 yrs of living in seclusion in this tiny island.. still too lazy to organise my photos.. but the photos i snapped cannot fully demonstrate the ultimate beauty of the places i'd been to..

anyways, i gave the bf a treat at yantra yesterday.. and i can confidently say i had the best meal ever in my whole life.. the service was excellent, so personalised, so close to heart, the food (although indian) was fantastic, and the ambience, tsk tsk tsk, it's the place to be! if u're planning a romantic dinner or just wanna go somewhere cosy.. i would strongly recommend this place.. BUT, watch ur pockets.. ;)

surprise surprise!

2008-08-01T10:32:00.003+08:00

hahahaha.. look what he got for me for our 4th month anni!!! i was so thrilled upon receiving the balloons.. although things cropped up for him and he couldn't send it up to Sunrise because this place is simply inaccessible even to the best courier services in the world.. i managed to collect it when i coincidentally happened to go to town the next day.. *beams*

happee steph

closeup of the balloons

i'm starting to miss home already.. especially so when i've been meeting alot of singaporeans here in this ulu place.. can't wait to get back!

my purpose

2008-07-24T07:41:00.003+08:00

it's weird how i initially wanted to come here for some peace and recovery and i end up being "lost" now.. not lost in the sense that i've lost my sense of direction.. but lost in the sense like.. what should i be spending my time on? i go on great hikes and "strenuous" exercises on my off days.. the remaining nights after work are spent on chatting on the phone, playing games, occasional drinking and television programmes that are crappy and lame.. lol.. at times i do some reading, cos we have a collection of really classical books here.. and i write a diary entry every night.. though sometimes there's nothing worthy to be writing about.. i always come out with something worthy.. haha..

i'm supposed to be thinking abt what i want with my life, what i shld be doing when i get back, and i should start on applications for a job soon, or at least get my resume started.. i'm not blaming the pace of life here.. but it's making me procrastinate.. but not as negatively as i was in singapore.. hehe.. the way i procrastinate now is different.. cos i feel i have better things to do now, better & healthier activities to indulge in.. and something not too far away to plan for - my trip to san fran..

i've decided to join my colleagues for a tour to san fran.. since everyone will be leaving on the same date.. and their departure date from san fran is coincidentally the same as mine.. just different timings.. which i feel is miraculous.. since the hard-hearted bf is not gonna be here to join me.. my dream of having a romantic getaway in the states is not gonna happen.. sigh.. really very disappointed, no words can describe how heart wrenching it is when u try all ur might to persuade but the target just doesn't budge.. cos i think nothing's more enjoyable than travelling with the one u love.. well, shall make do with what i have..

SunRise Adventure

2008-07-04T10:54:00.000+08:00

I’m finally on Sunrise in Mount Rainier, but using a dialup connection. Argh. And I won’t be able to upload the pics that I’ve taken soon enough. Need to wait for my off day next week before being able to sit in front of the comp for the whole day to wait for it to upload. It just reminds me of the days when I was in sec sch using a dialup modem and mirc to chat. Lol. I’m happy here, everything’s fine. The scenery here is superb and we live like a small family. I got my own room now, nice and cosy. ;)
I miss everyone in Singapore!!!

FINALLY!!!

2008-06-28T02:57:00.003+08:00

i've been here for so long and i've finally managed to get internet access!!! u won't believe how far i've travelled to be here - in a cafe, sitting comfortably with my cranberry juice on my left and being online doing the stuff i ought to be doing.. lol..
i took a shuttle bus from where i work.. it's a one hour drive downhilll.. and from the place i alighted.. i had to walk out to a town called Ashford.. and it was another one hour of walking! hahaha.. been having good exercise.. and not having internet is not the worst.. the worst part abt being here is there is no reception! i think living in singapore is really too comfy.. and it's good to be out of that zone once in a while..

i'm adapting well here.. though it was really lonely the first night or so.. cos i live in a dorm with four walls and a small window.. and the doors are grey.. with a wash basin in the room w/o a toilet.. so it felt like a cell when i came in.. now that i'm all settled and stuff.. i've to move on sunday.. and going up to my actual workplace at Sunrise cos i'm living in Paradise now..

i have a lot of fun at work everyday.. ice-throwing.. water-gun-squirting.. and all sorts of nonsense.. will upload some photos of the sceneries in my facebook.. hopefully.. hehe..

till i get internet access again.. ciaoz~

transit in taipei!

2008-06-18T14:30:00.004+08:00

ho ho ho! i'm all alone in taipei! got like 9 hrs till my flight. but i forgot to bring my international adaptor!!! left it in my check-in luggage.. so i'm stuck with using my batt! oh, and i forgot to bring my hp today.. my dad had to get a fellow taxi driver to go to my place and drive my maid to the airport.. =x
nevertheless, it is damn song.. hahaha.. cos i got a room on a high floor.. with 2 queen sized beds.. nice and fluffy sheets.. baaaa.. and free wi-fi.. free taxi rides and free hotel dinner.. typical singaporean.. hur hur hur..
the flight was sucky though.. the food sucked.. i didnt eat it.. just drank water.. and i couldn't slp.. my games couldnt keep me occupied for 4 hrs.. and it was like living hell.. i wonder how i'm going to bear with that 11 hrs to seattle.. wish me luck..

most expensive meal in my life!

2008-06-16T03:09:00.011+08:00

dear 'secretly' brought me to privé @ keppel bay to have my super belated bday dinner.. haha.. didn't have many photos of the food cos initially we felt quite tensed by the ambience.. everything was like 'fine dining' kinda thing.. the service provided there was excellent.. and the food.. not considering how much we spent.. was splendid..
the both of us ordered 2 starters, a main course each (i already ordered the 2nd cheapest dish), dessert and 2 glasses of champagne.. bread and the bday cake was complimentary.. still, the meal totalled up to approx $270.. the most expensive meal we had in our lives.. *faints*

my bday cake & me =)

chocolate dessert platter

some shots of the place

while enjoying the sea breeze

the bridge that links mainland to Keppel island

most-alcohol-consumed-in-my-life day

2008-06-16T02:00:00.002+08:00

14th June 2008 is declared the day which i consumed the most alcohol to date.. hahaha.. for people who have known me for years.. u shld know i can't drink.. people who've seen me drink when i was down will know me for being worse.. lol.. still, i will not let myself get drunk.. haha.. my principles.. ;)
but somebody who was supposed to take care of me.. was high on cloud nine.. *boo* anyhow, the people who were there, thanks for being there and appreciate ur presence for whatever reasons u came for.. hehe..

my friends

his friends

our friends

though things got a little uptight towards the end.. i enjoyed the night.. =)

if only i could..

2008-06-10T05:09:00.005+08:00

if only i could make u happy just like that.. *snaps fingers*
if i knew what would make u happy.. i'd do anything..
if i knew what could make u smile like a child.. i'd do it every single day..
everything's all abt u now.. yet i fail to make u feel secure..
didn't feel welcomed today.. felt like i shldn't have been back..

where have i failed?

(lao yeo's fault la.. ask me to check out the bf's friendster.. looking at the comments made me feel a little uneasy before i left for my trip.. argh.. bryan's fault, bryan's fault, bryan's fault! lol.. sighs..)

orbee

2008-06-06T02:01:00.003+08:00

felt uneasy after seeing all that stuff.. it's my fault.. who ask me always hand itchy, eye itchy see this see that.. sigh.. really orbee.. can't be helped.. i'm not any better..

will be away from 6th-9th..

happy birthday in advance to myself..

all i did was..

2008-06-04T03:25:00.002+08:00

i wouldn't say today was a busy day.. but i had my dose of edna.. lol.. it's nice meeting up after so long.. we need to arrange one with full attendance next week! too bad wen isn't back from aussie yet..
following which was shopping with mum, sis and the bf! hahaha.. we were supposed to shop for swimming costumes.. cos mummy insists she and i need new ones.. we ended up with diversified purchases (without swimming costumes, LOL).. poor bf had to accompany me to shop for lingerie.. hahaha.. and with all that walking plus we watched dvd till quite late.. i guess he was really dead beat..

gonna get down to some reading now! self-enrichment time!

graduated?

2008-06-02T23:34:00.002+08:00

assuming i've graduated.. today marks the last paper i have for the whole of my lifetime perhaps.. at least for now.. hahahaha..
super high now.. and super shagged out from all that mugging..
anyhow.. THREE CHEERS TO STEPH! *pat myself* LOL~
Seattle, here i come!

she's fickle

2008-05-29T00:29:00.002+08:00

aren't mommies supposed to understand their daughters best? aren't they supposed to be the sweetest person u can go crying to? what happened to that mama who used to understand me and cared abt what i wanted?
ok, maybe i nv even experienced it before..
but i yearn and long for my mummy to be a best friend.. or at least the person who would at least understand what i want and put herself in my shoes since she has been through what i'm going through.. (supposedly)
sometimes she's like this and sometimes she's like that.. fickle.. i can nv grasp what can make her happy.. or am i just trying too hard..

or is it me who is changing..? urgh~

...

2008-05-26T23:47:00.008+08:00

i feel funny today.. i went to beanie because i didn't wanna be alone at home.. i wanted to talk to someone.. just TALK.. period.. lol..

somehow i had a lot of negative thoughts today.. maybe it's because i've not been feeling well of late.. i dunno.. just had this sudden urge to let it all out..

sixth sense tells me something seems to be wrong.. or something seems to have changed.. i feel insecure.. sighs..

*******************************************************************************
(edited at 12.30am)

randomly read some entries from my old blog.. i used to be really really stressed up, unhappy, demanding and complicated.. it's funny that even reading it now stirs up many emotions and some tears.. i pitied the old me.. i'm just glad with being where i am now.. haha.. rather contradicting with the first part of my blog entry..

but if u ask me what do i want out of things now.. i would tell u i dunno.. but not knowing is bliss.. living without a direction means no expectations.. and without expectations there are no disappointments.. no?

i used to want so much, to want to possess so much.. even so, wanting something became an obssession to possess it.. possessing something became meaningless because afterall everything i used to have was material.. and possessing something i wanted was not my kind of happiness.. why did i take so long to wake up?

anyway, i think it's best to take things at a step now.. i shall stop picturing myself being in the rat race and fighting to have a glorious career.. climbing up that sickening corporate ladder.. it does not mean i've given up on my life.. neither does it mean i will no longer seek the direction i shld take.. it simply means i'm taking a step back for the moment..

coffie beanie

2008-05-22T23:27:00.003+08:00

felt a sense of loss today at coffee bean.. hmm.. the usual people weren't there today! glo wasn't there.. quin wasn't there.. not even the usual strangers were there!!! argh~
i dun wanna list down what i suffered from today.. haha.. ranges from headache, sore eye, cramps and backaches to emotional emptiness.. and there, i just did it - listed them down.. wahahahahaha!

*missed you you you alot today..

alrites.. shall train myself to be more independent emotionally.. in fact, i am now.. maybe not totally.. but like so much better than i was before.. must be more womanly.. i must learn to grow up and manage my own emotions.. emotional intelligence rulesss!

sentosa!!!

2008-05-20T22:34:00.003+08:00

been slacking since thursday.. ahahahaha.. this is really too much.. so i decided to get down to some studying.. hindered by PMS sleepiness.. argh.. and i'm already feeling sleepy and lethargic now again..

hmm.. since i didnt receive any news from joe abt the meetup.. i joined the bf and his khakis on a sentosa outing.. been quite some time since i'd been there.. and yup, enjoyed myself! hehehe.. the guys were damn farnie and fun to play with.. plus chillin' at cafe del mar.. ok la, i sua gu.. first time there.. lol..
but i felt bad for tagging along and making him spend money.. i dunno la, just felt bad.. that's why i decided not to have my pure chocolate ice blended.. and lun till today to have vanilla ice blended instead.. hee.. pretty silly rite.. *^_^*

shall upload the pics when i get them.. didn't really take alot of photos.. and if i dun feel nua.. hehehe.. =)

wheeeee!

2008-05-14T22:11:00.005+08:00

actually.. i'm stressed.. but i ain't stressed either.. my darling's doing a good job in keeping me calm! hahaha..
i dun remember feeling so chirpy and so lively before or during exams.. but i am now.. it's so funny.. but then again.. makes it seem like i dun give a damn abt exams.. baaaa.. this is getting on my nerves..
anyway.. bottom line is.. i happy can liao.. wahahahahaha!

(*this is what i mean by exam stress.. illogical & random thoughts..)

exam power!

2008-05-08T02:47:00.002+08:00

ppl who know me well enough shld know that i'm not a person who gives up easily.. although i'm not far away from my much dreaded exams.. i shall persevere!!!
we've been through exams ever since pri 1.. that makes it 16years.. i dun see why i won't make it this time round.. *grits my teeth*
fucking exam ghost.. i won't let u get me down!!! hahahahahahaha!!!

chiong chiong chiong! guys, we can do it!

mundane

2008-05-03T22:44:00.002+08:00

life generally has been rather mundane.. revolving arnd stay home nua-ing, stagnant revision sessions, occasional revision classes and work.. the stress is there.. but i dunno what the hell i'm doing.. gonna get down to some serious mugging tonight! i hope it won't be another session of procrastinating.. argh..
but of cos, i shldn't forget the fact that a simple dish should be peppered with some spices and flavourings.. and yep, still enjoying my honeymoon.. hehe.. =))

an overview

2008-04-28T01:04:00.004+08:00

quite drained out today from the funeral processions.. coupled with lack of slp and my slow recuperation.. lol.. surprisingly, with a hectic schedule i seem to have covered more revision than usual.. and yes, daytime today was an emotional rollercoaster.. didn't speak much to his friends only until the funeral was over.. phew~

so much has happened the past month or so.. from the day we got together..
good or bad.. i really wouldn't know how to classify it.. just feels like we've been through quite a few tribulations.. tests of our relationship? i would say they're boosters! =)

p/s: Happy Birthday Arsyad! and happy anniversary to my license and urs! =D

life

2008-04-24T23:48:00.003+08:00

life is vulnerable.. every life has an expiry date.. we cannot live forever.. and one day, we'd just leave our loved ones behind.. we never know when..
some people leave with last words, some people don't.. some deaths are expected, some aren't..
so much abt science and technology.. but still so many uncertainties abt life itself.. and i guess that's what makes us treasure our own lives and the lives of the people around us more! if everything was so certain, we as selfish and complacent humans, would start taking things for granted!

think about it..

stronger for you..

2008-04-24T02:06:00.004+08:00

it really hurts to see him cry..

so i won't.. though i did.. secretly.. haha.. actually it was more like i suddenly felt her presence.. a couple of minutes before her body arrived at the void deck where the wake was held.. den i just couldn't control my emotions.. it was weird.. but i knew what i was feeling.. she found her way back..
i wanna be strong.. stronger than ever before.. so i can help him tide through this..

it's a relief for her as well i guess.. it really pained me to see her all tied up, and uncomfortable with her swelling limbs whenever i visited her.. reminded me of my own grandparents in a way.. and since i've been visiting her quite regularly with sean for the past 2 weeks or so.. in one way or another, i've also developed some sort of feelings for her..

but when i looked at her in the coffin just now.. i could only keep silent.. cos i thought she was more peaceful than when i always saw her on the hospital bed..

you are safe in God's arms

2008-04-23T15:00:00.003+08:00

in memory of Sean's granny..

fluctuations

2008-04-23T00:34:00.004+08:00

big fluctuations today..

was feeling moody cos of my cold, cough and flaming sore throat.. then he made my day by delivering herbal tea over to work before going for his chalet..

after that, bad news abt his grandma.. sighs.. and i was out having porridge at geylang..

i apologise if i was moody during dinner.. it just felt sucky that i wanted so much to be there but i didn't know if my existence would cause any inconvenience.. and to add to that, my blocked nose was making me irritable.. argh.. okayyy, i know i wasn't walking straight in the first place.. i was feeling weak all over as well..

*prays and hopes everything will be fine*

unwell..

2008-04-19T00:52:00.004+08:00

my back aches, all the way from my waist till my shoulders.. the front part of my head hurts.. when i try to exert force i.e. shifting things, bending down, etc. the tension builds up at my forehead making me feel giddy.. arghh.. what is wrong with me..
can't afford to be down at this moment.. gotta be strong!!!

and it doesn't really help when ur bf is not by your side at a time like this.. =((

not trying to complain, neither trying to gain sympathy.. it's not that i mind he's out either.. but barely a week after making what seemed to be a 'promise'.. it feels like it's just a say-say kinda thing.. maybe i think too much, or maybe i take things too seriously, or maybe it's just because i feel unwell hence being easily disturbed.. then again, if he were to be out with his friends, what else could he do besides drink..?

i can accept u for who u are, but dun give me false hopes..

shall not read too much into it, i guess he's just unsettled at the moment.. the only thing i can do now is study, study, study and more study! jia you! =))

spot-on! (from facebook)

2008-04-18T19:45:00.002+08:00

April 18, 2008 - Your relations with your family circle are likely to be a source of cruel frustrations for you. You'll suddenly want to put something else into your existence, more readily turning towards philosophy or religion. Be realistic, don't embark on obviously unbounded undertakings. The discussions in your family are likely to degenerate into arguments; therefore content yourself with keeping silent; an easing of the situation will take place shortly. (Gemini)

You'll ask yourself questions on the meaning which you should give to your life. You'll be torn between contradictory aspirations. Know that material well-being is useful but by no means indispensable to happiness. You'll have fits of bulimia; try to control yourself in order to avoid taking weight. Put faith in your lucky star. (chinese zodiac)

tell me, tell me.. how not to believe in horoscopes.. hahaha.. it's so freakin' accurate..

am i up to it?

2008-04-17T16:30:00.002+08:00

with a failed relationship not too long ago in history, i start to question myself if i'm really up to it.. i know these are unnecessary thoughts, but i cant help it when the thought comes to me, can i? =P

i'm just letting things flow through as smooth as it can now.. i dun hold anything back.. and i am truly happy and satisfied..
seriously speaking, i can't be more glad that my life is the way it is now..

just wanna make him feel the way i'm feeling.. =))

awww..

2008-04-15T01:07:00.004+08:00

everyday he just makes me fall deeper and deeper in love with him..

went over to his place today to pass him something.. following which i took the train back on my own.. and because the road that leads to my place is deserted and dark.. he wants me to be on the line with him so that i'd be safe..

my darling is so sweet.. *^_^*

posh-ish

2008-04-13T23:19:00.010+08:00

while we were at vivo city on friday, looking for a spot to begin our habitual camwhoring, i spotted this bar. told the bf, "how nice if we could nua on that couch.." yep! wish fulfilled. since we had abt an hour to go before our movie started, he said we could sit there a little while for a drink. *beams*

yes, and we concluded we only look nice in black-and-white or sepia photos. no idea why. argh.

think we look like yuppies in this pic.. posh.. lol..

our drinks.. red wine & lychee margarita..

so i'm really back to ba-ba again?!

the man..

..our journey together..

yes, i know in this series of pic he seems to resemble someone else again.. bleahz~

dinner @ home

2008-04-12T23:36:00.002+08:00

the bf was here today for dinner! mummy made home-cooked chicken rice.. =)

God's doing..

2008-04-09T18:59:00.004+08:00

had this thought while bathing..

God is good. He puts me thru pains and sufferings, so that i become a better person.

i've learnt to appreciate the people around me even more. my parents, my friends, and advice here and there from people. at the same time, he also makes me aware of the fact that i should not let others get to me when i'm down. mr c, fuck u.
i've become a better person so i can help my friends in the same situation to move on, or to keep them going. i'm not saying i'm doing a good job, but i'm just in a better position now. i guess the reason i'm so over with my previous relationship is also because giving advice and motivation to others helps to remind myself that life is still worth living for. it's no good to get too engrossed in urself. and i think i seem more approachable for help now, i seem to get quite a handful of "911-calls". =) i'm glad, pls keep the lines busy.

maybe it's my purpose in life, and to all my friends - those who've seeked help, solace and comfort in me, and those who've been with me - i thank you sincerely. u've brought meaning to my life, and with it - purpose.

i'm over and done with insomnia, one of the main reasons could be that i've quit coffee after mid-afternoon. but i'm becoming lazy, because it means i sleep alot more now. i dun cry myself to sleep anymore; i would smile to sleep actually.

i remember having this conversation last night.. again one of my very random thoughts.. vaguely, this is how it went..

"dear, why are so many people unhappy with life? what makes u happy?"
"i don't know. 有时候，一个人开心不需要刻意去想理由，开心就是开心。"
*tickles & giggles*
"like now?" =)
"yup!"
*hugz*

going to his place really makes me feel i've been pampered for too long. i remember wanting a perfect home - nice tiles, big tv, lavish bathrooms, exquisite bedroom furniture, laughter of my family, etc.

maybe i could make do now, with just the laughter part.

liverpool vs arsenal

2008-04-09T17:10:00.004+08:00

just as i was typing the title, it seems like the-bf vs the-ex.. hur hur.. well 4-2 to lvp.. the bf wins.. =P

i just wanted to say initially that it's been a long time since i last watched a soccer match and i enjoyed it alot.. the bf is a die hard lvp fan.. his love for the club simply fascinates me.. (i used to watch a lot of soccer.. but only because of my stakes at sgpools or 'somewhere else')
between the 13th-30th minute.. all he did was "tsk" and kept quiet.. u could tell he was really sian1/2-ed.. den he talked a little when the game came to a draw.. and became all chirpy when it was 2-1.. and the cycle continues.. lol.. fascinating~
was just glad he finished his cup noodles before the match started.. i wouldn't have imagined what would become of the cup noodles or me? maybe i would've been drenched in that nissin chilli crab flavoured cup noodle.. hahaha.. soccer and men.. tsk tsk..

but after that i had a hard time falling asleep.. =(
maybe i need some time to get adjusted to a new environment..

yum yum~

2008-04-07T01:01:00.012+08:00

*grinz*
though time has been short.. i believe what we've been thru is substantially enough.. for now.. =)

i have dimples now!!! =)

had choc fondue at p.s. today.. wasn't that fantastic.. but was definitely satisfying! takes me away from reality.. finally done with weekend lectures!!!

yippee! i love choc!

argh

2008-04-05T23:39:00.002+08:00

so many things have happened the past 2 or 3 days, i really dunno where to start.. neither is it easy for me to put it into words..
i just hope i can really get down to some serious studying very very soon..

this road

2008-03-29T22:50:00.000+08:00

how far is this road ahead?

vantage point

2008-03-27T13:42:00.002+08:00

managed to catch vantage point last night despite knocking off a little later. hehe. somehow from 10pm they changed the screening time to 10:10pm. weee! thx cathay for making my day. lol. it rhymes.

the movie was great. either that or i was not quick enough to guess the plot before it revealed. at points, it settled u down into complacency, then presented u with a surprise. i liked that.

insomnia & me

2008-03-26T03:55:00.012+08:00

Definition of Insomnia
Insomnia is the perception or complaint of inadequate or poor-quality sleep because of difficulty falling asleep, difficulty maintaining sleep, or waking too early in the morning. These result in the feeling that sleep is not restorative and often are associated with impaired function during the day.

Description of Insomnia
Insomnia is the most common sleep disorder in the United States. About one-third of the adult population has experienced it at some time and approximately 10% have a persistent problem.
Insomnia can be classified in terms of its duration: transient, short-term, and chronic. Transient and short-term insomnia are caused by similar factors, but short-term insomnia usually requires a greater disturbance.
Transient insomnia can be described as lasting from one night to a few weeks and is usually caused by events that alter your normal sleep pattern, such as traveling or sleeping in an unusual environment (e.g., a hotel).
Short-term insomnia lasts about two to three weeks and is usually attributed to emotional factors such as worry or stress.
Chronic insomnia occurs most nights and lasts a month or more.

Causes and Risk Factors of Insomnia
Typically, transient or short-term insomnia are caused by similar factors, but the degree of disturbance is usually greater to experience short-term insomnia. These include:
Stress-Related Factors – significant personal events, such as losing a job, marital problems, stress and generally worrying.
Uncomfortable sleeping environment (too much light or noise, uncomfortable temperature).
Unusual sleeping environment (e.g., a hotel room).
Changes in the daily rhythm, such as a change in work shift or jet lag.
Acute medical illness or their treatments.

Chronic insomnia may be caused by one of the following:
Chronic medical illnesses - Certain medical illness can interfere with sleep, especially disorders of the heart (congestive heart failure) and lungs (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). Other important physical causes include heartburn, prostatism, menopause, diabetes, arthritis, hyperthyroidism and hypoglycemia.
Sleep disordered breathing - Disorders of sleep that cause one to stop breathing while asleep may fragment sleep and cause frequent awakenings during the night. This can be seen rarely with obstructive sleep apnea, but is much more common with central sleep apnea.
Restless leg syndrome (RLS) – RLS is an unpleasant tickling, burning, pricking or aching sensations in the legs that are generally only relieved with movement and tend to occur while relaxing in the evening hours. A similar and often overlapping disorder is periodic limb movement of sleep, which are the recurrent movements of the legs during sleep that may cause arousals from sleep.
Psychophysiologic ("learned") insomnia - Many people go to bed worrying about insomnia because of previous episodes. This creates an anxiety about going to sleep, which usually leads to greater difficulty sleeping.
Biological factors - As we age, sleep becomes lighter and more fragmented. Older people often struggle with frequent nighttime awakenings and the inability to sleep past the very early morning. Also, during our life spans, the internal biological "clock" that regulates sleep creeps slightly forward, compelling most older people to go to sleep earlier and to wake earlier.
Lifestyle factors - Excessive caffeine consumption, alcohol and drug abuse, smoking, and poor sleeping habits are often overlooked as cause of chronically disturbed sleep.

Treatment without Medication
The non-medication treatment methods used to help insomnia are often focused at helping the patient “relearn” how to sleep. Some of these techniques are common-sense habits that go a long way in helping people feel sleepy at night. These include:
*Develop a regular sleeping schedule. Avoid daytime naps and stimulating activities just before bedtime.
*Avoid stimulating drugs, such as caffeine and nicotine, particularly before going to bed.
*Exercise during the day (but not in the late evening).
*Avoid alcohol - it is a leading cause of poor sleep.
*Minimize light and noise when trying to sleep..
*Maintain a comfortable bedroom temperature.
*Avoid heavy meals before bedtime. If hungry, eat a light carbohydrate snack.
*Take medications that may be stimulating, or those that may cause you to wake up to urinate long before bedtime.
*Increase exposure to sunlight in the morning, and avoid it later in the afternoon (5-6 PM).

i think i got my answer.. out of the 8 treatments.. i am doing none of it.. at the rate i'm going.. i hope it doesn't become chronic.. =/
how come they didn't include sex as one of the treatments? probably i could fall aslp in less than 2 minutes!!! *LOL*

note: those in this colour applies to me, unfortunately.

the week

2008-03-25T01:32:00.004+08:00

the past few days hasn't been that alrite actually..

heard some friend issues from yk.. hmm.. wasn't really bothered by it.. just wondered why things have come to a certain stage.. well, if it's mean to be then it's meant to be.. shall not comment more on that.. yk will still be my bestie.. as for the rest.. it's really up to them..

then, there is a friend issue on my side as well.. i guess he does not want any explanations, neither can he be bothered by it anymore.. and on my part.. what can i do? but there's this third party whom i find super unbearable, if u know who he is, yeah.. "the preacher" knows everything, should know everything, and things that people do which are not aligned to his thoughts are WRONG.. and classified as "party".. i can only say he is super KPO cos "busybody" isn't good enough a word to describe him.. forever poking his nose into people's business and interfering in other people's lives when it doesn't concern him.. it's ur right to judge, but no one asked u to comment, or try to influence people, or try to mould people into who u want them to be..

i guess the thing which affected me the most today was perhaps hearing from sean that his grandma had a fall.. i've no idea why, when he told me abt it i was so taken aback.. den i started thinking abt what i had to go through last year.. visions of my own grandparents.. everything.. i hope all goes well for his granny though..

wth.

2008-03-24T07:26:00.002+08:00

saw this on moses' blog.. guess what i got.. darn~

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Stephanie!

Neil Armstrong first stepped on stephanie with his left foot!
Stephanie will often glow under UV light!
Stephanie cannot jump.
You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of stephanie to reach the earth's core.
Grapes explode if you put them inside stephanie!
Stephanie never said 'Play it again, Sam'!
You share your birthday with stephanie!
More people are killed by stephanie each year than die in aeroplane accidents.
Over 2000 people have now climbed stephanie, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down.
The average duration of sexual intercourse for stephanie is two minutes!

train ride

2008-03-20T01:32:00.003+08:00

was on the train today, and i found out one of the reasons why i dread taking the train so much especially after work.
firstly, i dun really like the feeling of boarding a train filled with people. also, i dun like it when the train becomes almost empty after woodlands. haha. contradicting?
just gives me a sense of loneliness and emptiness.

DS-2019

2008-03-19T03:18:00.002+08:00

DS-2019 has arrived, which means no more second thoughts. i nv had second thoughts anyway. just can't bear to leave now.

well, perhaps leaving might bring abt a greater response, and eagerness.

those who wanna meetup, book appointment huh. but if u think 4-5mths is insignificant then see u when i'm back. lol.

理想情人

2008-03-18T12:45:00.008+08:00

穿上洋装看着手表时间快到心碰碰的跳
和你的第一次约会来临了金色的阳光洒满人行道
换了新唇膏把头发弄好要你看到我的好

喜欢看你走路充满自信说话时候你的专注眼神
温柔的表情笑容里的天真我相信找不到有比你更好的人
你心里理想情人是几分是否也会有我的份

好想知道你的一百分会给怎样的人
亲爱的你不要再陌生增加我戏份
我想问亲爱的你把感情升等朋友变成情人
可不可以告诉我标准
不要让我一直等

听着那时间滴答的走对街的你在点头好像一个梦渐渐走到我前头

virtuality meets reality

2008-03-15T16:18:00.004+08:00

i finally did it. we finally met up. lol.

sean and me! *grinz*

i know it sounds dumb that people our age actually still do meetups after meeting each other online. but i guess we clicked well enough to request for this. and i seriously do not want the friendship to be limited to smses, calls and msn conversations.

so we watched 10,000b.c. last night -- the show was not too bad, neither was it fantastic. i guess i went into the theatre with too high expectations, and i walked out disappointed-ish. after that he brought me to a pub in boat quay to drink with his friend. haha. had lotsa fun teasing and making his friend drink (cos sean and me cheated during the games). LOL.

temperaments

2008-03-12T23:24:00.004+08:00

i was prepared to make my way home to blog with a grin that "TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY", but just as i was walking to the bus stop i was approached by an approximately 50-yr-old lady asking me for help. she was telling me that she has asthma and she needs money to buy 2 inhalers ($25 each). i got in a dilemma, but i only had 2 bucks with me. so i told her i had no money. and she started pleading and giving me the pls-help-me look. of cos i considered going to the atm which was not far away. but, something kinda held me back. i really wanted to help her but i kept having selfish thoughts like what if she was lying? or $50 leh! it's alot for me lor. i gave her $2 (all that i had in my wallet) then i picked up my phone and i called sean. LOL. i dunno why i did that, but i asked him for his opinion, and i was close to tears cos i really pitied her. den the bus came, and in a frenzy, i boarded. i just can't get my mind off her. i feel.. guilty. (before calling sean i actually offered to help her approach passersby for help, but i was ignored by most.. foolish?)

guilt aside, i just wanted to say i had a lot of fun in class today with my sec2 boys. normally they are rather quiet and i wouldn't really diversify to chat in class. somehow we did it today. the 3 of us actually engaged in a conversation! happily. mingwei is starting to open up and ask for opinions, while joachim is showing his notti side. lol.
what's interesting was that they were supposed to interpret this lady's character as described in the passage. and instead of saying "madam tan is an easy-going person", joachim said "madam tan is an easy person"! hahahaha. of cos, i did explain the difference to him, and in a very frank manner. :)
THEN, in the vocab part he was supposed to explain the meaning of "heated" as in "exchanged heated words". he asked, "vulgarities?" hur hur. ok la, doesn't sound funny i know. but it was. i asked him for examples of vulgarities, but he didn't say lahh. hahaha!

The Leap Years.. how often does it really happen?

2008-03-11T23:57:00.004+08:00

i finally got to watch The Leap Years today.. thanks to Sheldon.. who accompanied me.. =D
well, the movie triggered a couple of thoughts, and i guess i shld jot it down in case i forget..

just wondering..
often, we wait for the right one to come into our lives, but after waiting for almost half our lifetime, we give up. either bcos the right one doesn't come along, he/she came and left, or we dun realise that he/she's the one. or sometimes we just find it too tiring, too draining, dat we start to go easy on ourselves. u noe wad, i reckon by doing this we torture ourselves for our entire life!
we're like a jigsaw puzzle, waiting for someone out there to make us complete. we make compromises because the pieces dun fit exactly. maybe it does, but we still make compromises, so that we can 'stick' together. the wedding photos u see in ppl's bedrooms, those are the efforts of putting 2 pieces of jigsaw together (well, sometimes maybe not).
slap me for my impracticality my dear readers, ahaha, anyway i'm just waiting for reality to put a tight smack on my beauuutiful cheeks..

while i was watching the movie.. something struck me too.. that sometimes we get too engrossed in ourselves, too into our own pain, too engrossed in our own emotions, that we do not give our other halves a chance to speak. even if they manage to, the words dun get to us.

"It's better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all.."

Till the day i can love and behold, i will love without regrets. i'll keep waiting. waiting to be a princess, waiting for my fairytale fantasy, waiting for the man of my life. =)

"It's not in the stars to build our destinies but in ourselves.."

childhood sweetheart

2008-03-10T01:11:00.005+08:00

i met up with my childhood sweetheart once again! haha. since many many yrs ago. we met up 4 yrs ago if i'm not wrong. sometimes it really makes me wonder, 16yrs, WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THAT TIME GO TO MAN? hahahaha!
yep, and we met up with our pri sch tkd instructor. hur hur. he didn't greet me like a long-lost student. i felt like he was looking at me like a business opportunity or a potential candidate. i didn't go there for an interview man! lol. but was nice, and felt a little old school la. haha. his students were cute. sort of saw myself when i used to train for tkd during pri sch days. =P
somehow i keep having opportunities to teach in a way or another.. (i dun wanna say it's a 'sign' or anything, cos somebody will have comments. lol.) but, hmm.. am i like the guy who's hanging on the cliff? oblivious to directions..?

eh, anyway just to reassure u again.. COFFEE WAS GREAT! hahahahaha.. i want more of u! i mean.. coffee.. *bleahz*
hope to see ur gf the next time we meet up.. =D

signs..

2008-03-08T01:21:00.002+08:00

had a lot of thoughts today.. saw cute babies and pretty kids.. felt the urge to get married.. have my own kids.. a husband to love.. hahaha.. oh well..

den as i was sitting alone.. outside civic plaza.. waiting for the LATE clement to arrive.. i looked up in the sky.. i wonder why the stars always make me smile.. even though it's a very common orion belt.. and i felt overwhelmed by the fact it was right above me.. hmmz.. den i changed an angle.. i saw a lump of clouds.. amidst the clear sky.. just that lump there.. it was an image of the chinese character 'one' (yi).. no matter how i tilted my head.. it still looked like '1' or '一'.. seems to be a sign.. can't figure that out..

ok my thoughts are not very constructed tonight.. i'm just typing whatever comes to mind.. and i'm quite lethargic.. so.. yea, this post seems quite raw..

不能说的秘密

2008-03-08T01:18:00.000+08:00

joseph told me a secret.. teeheehee.. *^_^*

not just trying to be nice.. i guess..

2008-03-07T03:12:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel.. trying to be nice might be a sin afterall..
but i'm not trying..

just going with the flow.. not dwelling too much upon it..

fairytale? or mental burden?

2008-03-06T03:06:00.005+08:00

not sure.

heart in my mouth. awkward as it is. blushing like nv before. the little details were sweet. heart-warming. i wished i was a little nicer.

a little too soon, a little too rush.

take it a step at a time please.

i dun wanna make it ur nightmare.

pro-procrastinating

2008-03-05T03:46:00.006+08:00

if procrastinating makes me more anxious, perhaps i should procrastinate more. but the more i do it, the worse it makes me feel. i still remember my no. 1 resolution for 2008. i'm so eager to get it that i get jittery over it. den it dampens my mood for studying.
i tell myself i shld take it a step at a time, den again, my impatient nature disallows that. i just wanna jump straight into everything.
but on a better note, i've just discovered my problem. i've been studying, with my comp on, and my books on my table. i forgot the most impt thing in my life! music (yes joe, i know my music is not ur music, hur hur, if u're reading that is, pls do not protest! i'm trying to motivate myself. lalala~)
anyways, tried it today and it works. though i've been listening to songs but it isn't in my ears. i can't on it too loud on my lappy cos it'll disturb my family, so i decided to listen softly. doesn't work, uh-uh.
i apologise to my humble earphones for neglecting its existence, and of course its importance. not sure if it's the anxiety, the stress, the impatience or my earphones - either way, it works and i'm feeling progress on its way!

bit by bit, i'll make it work! *cross my fingers*

virtuality vs reality

2008-03-05T03:39:00.002+08:00

even if everything falls apart, i know i have only myself to blame..
meanwhile, while it still lasts, and it still brings smiles into my life..
i shall just enjoy it while i can..
no matter which definition it is of this phrase..

"开心就好"

the light

2008-03-02T23:46:00.002+08:00

amidst all that misery, there was actually a glimpse of hope out there. i wouldn't call it a hope exactly, perhaps someone i enjoyed entertaining. someone whom i knew was not talking to me 'cos he was up to something, or trying to get to know me better for his own good.
i wouldnt know how to describe the relationship we share. more like talk-cock buddies. but i wouldn't want it to end. somehow i seem to be hoping for something more. not in that sense.
i wanna see him, i wanna feel what he's like.
i dun wanna just have an imaginary friend.

一夜长大

2008-02-29T00:18:00.005+08:00

末班车回家雨一直下
整夜忍的泪它不听话
我不想去擦就这样吧
爱让这女孩一夜长大一夜长大

想要说的话竟然忘了啊
我总是很想说不懂得表达
分手我不怕你知道吗
你知道得啊

只是那几乎成真我们得家你真的不想吗
那着些年得专心无猜你只当我是朋友吗
我以为雨声会遮住你的回答它却那么清楚啊
让这个你曾深爱的女孩一夜长大

原因一定很多就随你吧
究竟为什么我不管它
分手我不怕你知道吗
你知道了吧

只是那几乎成真我们的家你再也不想吗
那这些年的专心无猜当朋友都不好吗
我多想雨中听不清你的回答它却那么清楚啊
让这个你曾深爱的女孩一夜长大

那几乎成真我们的家你从此不想吗
那这些年的专心无猜你只当我是朋友吗
我以为雨中听不清你的回答它却那么清楚啊
让这个你曾深爱的女孩一夜长大
一夜长大～一夜长大一夜长大

Fluctuations

2008-02-27T22:17:00.004+08:00

i totally understand and acknowledge the fact

that fluctuations in life are perfectly normal,

but i simply do not appreciate that..

i wonder, if your species can do it without love..

i hate myself for having the urge to blog only when i feel sucky,

why is it? when i only wanna share my happiness

with the people who care..

i don't mean to, but,

is there no other way to let it all out?

couldn't control myself i teared in the office today,

and halfway during my lessons..

i guess my students thought i had a cold..

i'm just useless.. and too emotional..

envy the lady at my void deck

she was crying

while talking on the phone

why can't i?

why can't i let it out to anyone?

i don't think anyone in this world deserves to hear my cries..

no one.

cos i believe you guys have had enough of it..

let me handle this on my own

this time round..

Simple Pleasures

2008-02-27T02:53:00.004+08:00

the simple pleasures in life make steph a happy girl.. =D
looking at the stars from my window makes me smile too!

and of cos.. those dreams.. lol..

please let me indulge.. in more..

meanwhile, it's time to start mugging!!!

thief!

2008-02-23T02:35:00.002+08:00

somebody stole my notes today during managerial econs makeup lecture. argh. i shall not talk too much abt it in case i start filling the whole post with vulgarities. yes, i'm pissed. cos i didnt lose the notes only for that particular lecture, everything was binded together. ta ma de.
it's quite confirmed it was stolen cos it was missing after i came back from my break. luckily i didnt leave my wallet in the lecture room. sai lor, those ppl, dun have notes photocopy la. no money come and ask from me, dun steal my notes cannn. i give u the money to photocopy my notes! CCB~

(this is a blank post)

2008-02-20T12:50:00.003+08:00

life has been so mundane recently, i havent got much to update.
emptiness fills my heart. how ironical.

this blog promised more enthusiasm, positivity, fresh experiences, happiness and drive. i guess i failed. the past 2 months' posts have been rantings of anger, agony, sorrow and demoralisation.

it's time to bloody hell wake up!

weird dream.. but sweet..

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T00:31:00.002+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all couples out there! and for those who are single, it's time to throw a bash to welcome me to the Bachelors' Club! hahahaha..
so much for all that laughter, i feel rotten. firstly, i did something which i shldn't have today. would be sure to disappoint many. HAHA! secondly, having a mood swing now. not so much cos of V day but maybe i will call it the absence-of-a-mummy syndrome aka AM syndrome. argh.

that's what u call ur "babies"

2008-02-03T04:27:00.000+08:00

went for yk niece's full month celebration today.. was quite happy to see his family and all.. and the words of concern that his sis and bro-in-law offered.. was quite comforting that they were still so heartwarming but it somehow spurred some emotions in me.. alan said "take good care of yourself" and i dunno why i just teared a little.. haha.. on and off when i was in the function room i felt like breaking down too..
went up to his place to charge my hp for a little while and borrowed his laptop before i left for my samsung gathering.. yes.. my hand itchy.. saw some pictures which i wasn't supposed to see.. but the more he was worried abt me seeing.. the more i wanted to see.. that's me.. and i found out he lied.. the only person i could trust in this world lied to me.. i thought he only went with sg..
barely after a week of breakup he went on a vacation with a grp of girls.. and his buddy.. and he told me he was feeling down.. he took pictures with ella alone.. somewhere me and him went.. but we nv even bothered to take a pic there.. felt uneasy.. aiya just dunno how to put the whole thing in words..
and pls.. the stuff toy that ella gave to u.. PLEASE DO NOT PUT IT BESIDE OUR BABIES! that's wad disgusted me most.. either u just dump our soft toys or u dump hers.. it's that simple.. and there's another similar thing hanging in that damn bloody car of his..
FUCK!
it hurts.. (maybe like what ppl say.. i think too much..)

i dunno what i'm talking abt la.. but anyway.. it just didn't feel good today..

Mount Rainier!!!

2008-01-29T00:15:00.000+08:00

was shagged out after a little mugging and decided to surf around for stuff of the place i'm going.. it's a part on Mount Rainier called "Sunrise".. just wanna share what i got.. just in case u're my kind.. keep ur teeth gritted.. cos my jaws almost dropped when i was looking at the pics.. enjoy~

the way up to Sunrise Visitor's Centre.. the place i'm working..

the first rays of the sun.. viewed from 'Sunrise'..

Meadows at 'Paradise'..

View of the glaciers from 'Sunrise'..

Meadows at 'Sunrise'..

Mount Rainier viewed from Eunice Lake..

Peak of Mount Rainier viewed from the meadows of 'Sunrise'..

a part of 'Sunrise'..

glaciers.. from Sunrise Visitor's Centre..

the peak i guess..?

from Sunrise.. no idea where..

basically most of the pics are of 'Sunrise' lar.. hehe..

this is the Sunrise Visitor's Centre and Day Lodge.. workplace on the 1st floor.. my dorm is on the 2nd floor.. lol.. 9am work, 8.45 den wake up la.. haha..

ice-capped mountain peak

pls bear with me.. and share my joy.. :P

when things just wanna go wrong

2008-01-28T01:27:00.000+08:00

i am ashamed to say i was late for work today. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! in the first place i slpt early, i kept my phone in the 'general' profile which is fiaking loud, my mum and sis tried to wake me up, my maid tried twice, and i got tonnes of missed calls! i guess fatigue is taking its toll on me. sigh. i shldn't be making up any excuses rite. ok, i was late. period.
my students knew i was sick. so my p1 girl sacrificed her choc and my sec1 girl bought bubble tea for me and she remembered what flavour i liked! how sweet lor~ was almost touched to tears..

anyway, more pics from glo's party.. hehe.. grabbed them from my facebook uploaded by charlotte.. =)

yup, that's huiyee, jiawen, keat wee, me, bryan and ed

front to back, deryx, weili, ed, me and bryan

eh, i was eating glo's cake

and eating, haha, didn't have dinner ma!

speak no evil.. lol..

when i reached home, my sis insisted on camwhoring. so yea, just in case u guys forgot how she looks like!

ma sis!

her suggested pose.. lol..

and some pics taken at esplanade.. was going to rain.. decided to capture the dark clouds.. sort of reflected how me and dave were feeling today..? hmm..

i specially waited for that boat to be in that position.. haha!

hoping all things go well.. and praying that God will listen to our prayers..

PACKED!

2008-01-27T00:49:00.000+08:00

so many things happened the last 2 days i dunno where to start.

i am sick again. got fever on fri when i woke up. this is the 3rd time in 3 weeks btw. argh. and despite all that i had to carry on my 3 lessons. haha. quite a challenge. with the runny nose and sore throat. this time, cough comes as a free gift!

den i dragged myself to glo's party after work. reached abt 11plus. apparently i took a bus, was supposed to take a train i ended up taking 74. wanted to go to dover mrt, but i alighted one stop earlier cos i was quite seh. so i crossed the road. happily ended up taking a cab.

this morning i woke up at 6am for my WAT interview. and yes! i'm going to USA! haha. will be located at Mount Rainier (Sunrise Lodge). it's quite remote on top of the mountain itself being located in a remote area. but i'll be having a private dorm! hehehe. apparently, it's the HR manager's favourite place. so will i get to see him there to lick his boots? oh c'mon.. i'm not that cheap..

after that i rushed down to work. after work, guess what? linda told me she's considering to change me to part-time. i didnt know what to feel. like okayyy i'm the one who can't commit so i can't expect her to keep me around till June right. but like giving up my p5 to sec2 means barely $200-$300 a month. so yea, i dunno. i'm like really lagging behind in school as well, so i appreciated the time that i could free up for my studies. haiz. i guess this will really be a tough challenge. maybe RIGHT NOW my priority shld not be on my finance. but i still owe yk hell lot of money actually.

got a bad news from Dave. erm, will pray together with u. not convenient to disclose the details here.

so yea, basically my mood has been up and down and in a mess. i got things to be happy abt, yet i have stuff to worry abt and ppl to be concerned abt. phew~ how taxing. anyway, that's life!

some pictures for ur viewing pleasure:

glory's party didn't just have the 3 of us actually.. haha..

Happy Birthday Bitch!

不自量力的女人

2008-01-21T04:12:00.000+08:00

kinda ashamed actually that i'm putting such stuff on my blog. but here goes - my humble creation:

原来你什么都不想要
没有要求但我却奢求
越想越多
越阻止自己付出的人越痛苦

你和她的故事我不知
我和你呢却无法比较
越拖越久
这样的结局对大家都有好处

我本以为不想伤害她
对不起是我不自量力
我根本没有权利
把自己变成了傻瓜

我根本不想伤害自己
我爱你是我无法控制
我根本没有勇气
去面对我们的未来

怎么开始我没发觉
为何现在我还没睡醒
你给的安眠药我不知不觉
爱你到无法梦醒

Back to REALITY

2008-01-21T01:25:00.000+08:00

this is so weird.. i've never had this kinda experience before.. the time now is 1.26am.. i was super shagged out at abt 11.50pm? so i went to slp..
somehow i dreamt of mr c.. i saw him on msn and he said he longed to see me.. he said he has a few events at night.. but he doesn't wanna go and is giving them all up just to meet up with me.. HAHAHA! madness~ this would nv happen.. i can't really rmb how i felt in the dream.. i was touched in a way.. but in my heart i was thinking "you can just stop ur fuckin' bullshit!"
den reality pulled me back..
i rmbed that i was slping.. and it was only a dream.. i could've slept on and see wad the dream would bring me to.. but my conscious forced me awake! there was a voice telling me, "this can nv be true.. wake up wake up!" i was shocked at how strong it was i.e. my reaction to this dream.. i could feel that force.. very very strongly..
i wonder what it all means.. that i am starting to distrust him? or that i wished it happened but i know that it would never? hmm..

anyway, here i am now. wide awake. and got an inspiration for another song. hahaha. sorry readers, gotta read chinese again. and i assure u, it'll not be a happy song. like i said, i'm not cut out for bubbly inspirations..

p/s: this shall be a busy week for me.
monday is lined up with cny shopping with mama after class.
tuesday is early work, FR night class, den chill with the bitches (hopefully at halo.. so it's more convenient for me.. hehe..).
wed is early class, early work - to make up for the hrs i need to leave early for FR.
thu is free, dad's gonna pick up lenses for me, muackz.
fri is glo's bday party, despite financial difficulties, i think i shld go.
sat is WAT interview, super excited! maybe can go orchard for window-shopping after that.
sun is zhiwei's impresario '08 semi-finals at causeway point. hope to meet up after work though i dun dare to initiate, hehe. and good luck to him!

不想做Barbie

2008-01-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

this is an absurd one.. lol..

在字典里找不到Barbie 的定义
她是Bimbo 吗？
还是她偏偏喜欢这种玩法?

我不是个笨女孩
只是喜欢陶醉在你的怀抱
说我傻说我笨
或许他们不了解
也许是我还没学会这个游戏的规则

上了网还找不到Barbie的定义
她是傻女吗？
可能真的没人能够告诉我

我不是个Barbie Doll
是我太过于依赖你给的爱
是我贱是我痴
或许是我不了解
也许是我早已习惯你玩的无理游戏

我不想做你的Barbie
也不想做个Bimbo
可是我知道如果要你的疼爱
两者都须间行
我走投无路

你好，我是Barbie

噩梦

2008-01-20T02:41:00.000+08:00

this i would say isn't as good as the previous.. maybe lost the inspiration.. maybe not depressed enough.. got the idea while walking home..

每天醒来的那一霎那
想期待一个更好的明天
听到电话响起
又是你传来的简讯
怎么刚醒过来
又是另外一场噩梦的开始

魔王拉着我的手他不让我走
像你挽留着我似不让我离开你的游戏

初次睁眼的那一瞬间
无法看到那太阳的光芒
我不想醒过来
不想面对这个世界
也不想看到你
就让我跟着我的噩梦消失

我跟着它到达了所谓的天堂
这样也罢好比活在个不属于我的界限

life

2008-01-19T02:52:00.000+08:00

all is normal again.. no ups no downs..

..nv ask a guy abt his toy when you are only part of his collection..

Seattle here i come!

2008-01-16T00:40:00.001+08:00

alright, so i came to the conclusion that i shall give it a shot at the interview on the 26th. gonna pay my registration fees tmr. i dun think the interview shld be that tough. if all goes well, seattle here i come! woo!
it's making me more motivated to study. i start to feel my life is getting meaningful again. more motivated in work i realised. and so kind of jedwin today to notice that my mood is getting better. he says i always look 'sian', and although i was super lack of slp today, he thought i looked better and more hyped up. =D he's a pri 5 kid btw, more sensitive than self-acclaimed s.n.a.g.s.
anyway, other than cough and sore throat which is worsening, life seems to be switching back. mood swings are getting stabilised. or rather they didnt even exist for the past few days. i'm quite happy to be able to pick myself up fast enough.
i hope this goes on and on and on.. i hope this adrenalin rush carries on and on and on.. till my exams.. i know i wanna study hard and do well.. cos i wanna really be able to let go if i were to go on the trip.. and i dun wanna be there constantly worrying abt my results..
JIA YOU!!!

illness sets in

2008-01-12T01:23:00.000+08:00

was on mc on wed and thurs due to cold, sore throat and fever. still feel a little feverish now though. starting to become short-tempered during work. shld quit that! kids are lovable, they shld be doted on. hahaha.
i woke up this morning and the previous, with traces of blood in my phlegm. argh. but anything is good as long as it feels human.

anyway i realise i'm a little more stable now. thanks to the support of people around me. friends whom i do not meet but hang around on msn to give me moral support. doesn't take a lot of effort but no doubt means a lot to me. the world seems to have brightened up a little. it doesn't seem to spin so much anymore. i'm starting to feel more human and my mood swings aren't that drastic for the moment. they still exist though, but less extreme.

have stopped thinking about USA for awhile. stopped thinking of leaving, though i still need a breather. but thinking rationally, now, should i go for the experience then? the exposure? getting to know and being able to live in somebody else's culture? and getting to know how fucked up and exactly how ignorant americanos are? hahaha..

后备

2008-01-10T23:15:00.000+08:00

a song that i wrote casually.. still room for improvement.. but just wanted to strut my stuff a little.. lol..

当你走了以后
我还留在你的谎言里
你潇洒的走出那道门
却装一副舍不得的样子

我的世界之后
好像在焚烧的地狱里
曾努力开心的我们
只剩下我的挣扎
听着你说你和她的故事

你说不需要我付出我以为是你疼我
一个人静静地思考才知道原来是不要我的纠缠
你要我们少见一些向我要求了距离
似乎连我的梦都在笑我痴才发觉你要的距离是为了想陪她多一些

这样的距离等于没有了你
对你的怀疑却无法征服自己
这样的爱情让我好想放弃
我们的恋情也许我可以忘记

hmm..?

2008-01-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

seriously, at least for now, i nv hoped to reconcile. so dun tell me u're treating me like that because u dun want me to carry any hopes. haha. this is like, wtf? so anyway, i'm hurt, by your words, by the way u rejected my friendship, and by the way u think how cheap i am. i have deleted u from my msn. dun be mistaken. it's just so that i won't get to see ur name there, such that i won't feel the urge to click on ur name and seek ur attention. just in case u still read my blog, which i doubt so, i still treat u as a fren. buddy? no. the person i trust most in this world? u let me down.
it's ok that i'll be alone, i'll be fine.
my heart's numb cos it nv stopped bleeding. ur coldness pierces like a frozen sabre. and it doesnt melt cos i have no warmth. it goes deeper and deeper, maybe it won't stop.
may i be able to wake up everyday, to look at the sun, my yellow bedsheets, and an empty left-side of my bed...

so yep, i've fallen sick. late nights, tear-filled pillows, insomnia, alcohol, men, school, work; they've all taken a toll on me. having a very bad sore throat now, i dun feel like talking. watery eyes, runny nose and fever. argh. this really sucks. but it also feels good. cos it feels human.
flu medication is also doing its job well. it's making me sleep but i have weird dreams. now i wish i can have eternal supply of flu tabs. maybe not eternal supply, but enough to last me thru this period.
or maybe enough to end this period?

**Chapter 2**

yay!

-to ponder-

workaholic symptoms

work stress alas!

hard to forget

a white lie with an undiscovered basis

小酒窝

the perfection within..

insanity & contradictions

L.I.V.E - L.I.F.E

re-cycle

Goal Achieved!

compromises

stayin' alive..

bleakness

i'm blue.. dah ba dee dah ba dah..

new job, new look!

why can't i be like everyone else?

phase 1 part 2

steph's battlefield

*spooky*

there they go... there they go again...

(untitled)

surge of events

m.e.

i have no expectations but..

unemployment syndrome? or pre-employment stress?

wedding bells & loving bliss

welcome back!

surprise surprise!

my purpose

SunRise Adventure

FINALLY!!!

transit in taipei!

most expensive meal in my life!

most-alcohol-consumed-in-my-life day

if only i could..

orbee

all i did was..

graduated?

she's fickle

...

coffie beanie

sentosa!!!

wheeeee!

exam power!

mundane

an overview

life

stronger for you..

you are safe in God's arms

fluctuations

unwell..

spot-on! (from facebook)

am i up to it?

awww..

posh-ish

dinner @ home

God's doing..

liverpool vs arsenal

yum yum~

argh

this road

vantage point

insomnia & me

the week

wth.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Stephanie!

train ride

DS-2019

理想情人

virtuality meets reality

temperaments

The Leap Years.. how often does it really happen?

childhood sweetheart

signs..

不能说的秘密

not just trying to be nice.. i guess..

fairytale? or mental burden?

Chapter 2

spooky